After the last 6 months or so of doing my own programming at CrossFit, I feel like I am having a bit of a midlife fitness meltdown. I am astonished at how much brain power I have been putting into figuring out why I am feeling so conflicted and incomplete when it comes to my health and fitness. there are quite a few things I am realizing and trying to sort through as I reenter main class. It has me attempting to put all these jumbled thoughts, epiphanies and questions into some kind of a fitness plan. What is important to me? What are my goals? What were my goals? What should be my goals?
- I have a love hate relationship with the white board. I really do not like it yet I have a hard time resisting it. That said, I do not miss being on it. I adjusted to working out on my own a lot (or with Amy who is a beast whether she is injured or not) where I was my own benchmark. I like not comparing myself to everyone else in my class or at the box. I realized that when I was in main class, I liked the white board for the wrong reasons. I shouldn’t care if I had the highest or lowest scores. I shouldn’t worry about how I stacked against anyone else. Being on the white board can negatively distract from what does matter: being safe, injury free and fit.
- No matter how much I stretch and mobilize, I still have incredibly pathetic mobility. I am actually quite embarrassed about it. Not only is it just ugly, it’s also not so safe. My body is incredibly imbalanced. While I may have extremely strong quads, my hamstrings are weak in comparison. I focus on one thing to take my mind off of an injury and while I reach my new, adjusted goals, I somehow manage to injure something else. I cannot even begin to describe the frustration I feel every day because no matter how alive I feel from a workout, there is at least one part of my body at all times where I feel some kind of throbbing or discomfort. It has me really questioning whether I am designed or meant to be doing things like CrossFit. Am I trying to fit into something that I really have no business doing? Should I focus on other aspects of CrossFit like body weight movements and gymnastics skills?
- How much do I really care anymore about heavy I can lift? I honestly don’t know. I suppose I do and a better question I have been asking myself is, how does lifting heavy rank compared to my other goals and priorities?
- Having said #3 above, I do realize I workout not just for the sake of working out. I workout because I enjoy it immensely. It feeds my being. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. It is not a chore to wake up early to workout. It is not punishment. It is not a burden but it is a necessity. I cannot imagine a life without fitness in it. I workout to reach goals. I need goals. What those goals should be today, that I am still trying to figure out
Lately I have been spending a lot of time doing soul searching when it comes to fitness. (This also results in me feeling like I may be a bit neurotic….) I suspect I am not alone in this. What I am coming to slowly realize is that my goals are first and foremost to be injury free. To get my body to a point where physically I am happy with it. I fluctuate (not by much but when you are 5 feet tall, every lb counts) and find that to be unbelievably annoying. I want to stop getting into new temporary bad diet habits because they set me back. I want to to be strong. I want to be muscular. I want to be lean. This may sound like a tall order but it really isn’t. It is just a matter of what do I need to do to get there?
I by no means am unhappy in my current workout regime. It is more that I am realizing that even when things are good, change can be better. For one, I want to get more cardio back into my routine. This will help me burn calories and get leaner so I am reintroducing things like climbing the stairs at Baldwin Hills and taking cycling classes (and again, these aren’t a chore. I get a kick out of them). I am stretching and mobilizing more in addition to getting more sports therapy and deep tissue massages. Do I belong in main class or should I invest in having a personal trainer? Back when I did have personal trainers, I got amazing results and that was just 2 sessions a week and doing other activities 3 or 4 times a week. Maybe it is age but how does that rank compared to doing CrossFit 5 times a week? Am I getting the same results or better? For now I am staying open and true to being back in main class although admittedly transitioning back is harder than I expected. I am questioning whether it is time to change up where I workout in terms of what CrossFit box I go to. it isn’t because I am down on where I currently am. It has fantastic programming, coaches and members but again, sometimes change should happen even when things are good. I am open to possibly going to a different box to see if it gives me a little bit of an edge and spark back into my goals and incentive to keep pushing myself.
In a few months time, I truly hope I have much more clarity about what path I should be on and ideally I will be way into that journey.