I recently had a milestone birthday and anyone that knows me, is fully aware I was freaking out about it. Big time. Like heart palpitations kind of freaking out. Rationally, I know that age is just a number, but emotionally I have a big time hang up about it. I am a total ageist. It is terrible. And I am working on it. I often find myself falling into thinking people should be doing things at a certain age or not doing things at a certain age. I generalize and stereotype about age far too much (but millennials make it so easy! I kid…) I worry too much about my own age and are my choices appropriate for how old (or young) I am?
So for all the anxiety I had leading up to August 11th, once the day came, I decided to put my big girl pants on. And. Let. It. Go. I spent the weekend in the desert with 5 of the most amazing friends I could ask for, and it made me grateful for them and for all that I have.
Aside from being a tad jealous of 20-year-old girls who can wear sundresses and shirts sans bras while still having their ta-ta’s where they are meant to be… And aside from having an earlier bedtime than teenagers… And aside from defining “sleeping in” to be not waking till 7 am. I am quite proud of who I am and where I am. In addition to being alive and healthy (which believe me, I am being 100% sincere about that and not sarcastic), here are just a few of the reasons why.
- I am grateful to have gotten to where I am through independence, growing pains and integrity. I am proud of my journey. I am proud of my story. And I am not making any excuses for any of them.
- Being stronger today than I was when I was half my age and having far more muscles. (Yup, call me arrogant but I damn proud of every muscle I have earned).
- That I did not peak in high school and that my best stories and memories do not begin with “when I was 16…”
- Not having to cram 4 girls into 1 hotel room. I like my space.
- Every year, I become more and more positive. I am grateful to be shedding so much negativity and self- doubt that I have carried through my 20’ and 30’s.
- My squad! My squad is the best ever. I am blessed for all the amazing people I surround myself with. No more hanging with people who do not bring out the best in me (or vice versa).
- I am leaving lucky #7 to be the last because I feel so passionate about it. The biggest thing that differentiates myself from when I was 30 or 20 is the trust I have in myself. The more spiritual work I have done, the more I have come to trust my intuition. I am very much driven when it comes to decisions and people and places based on how I feel. There are plenty of times I have had simple invitations that I had no reason not to oblige other than I was not drawn to it. So I have learned to listen to that. Because sometimes by not being in a place is to save you from something or to put you in another place that is the right place. When something feels forced, it is often because you are not meant to be there. I listen to my intuition and I also release the guilt of following my own path and journey. This is something that took decades to reach.
It is the same deal with who I chose to have in my life. I have blogged a lot about energy and how important it is to feel the energy around you. To feel what someone else is giving off. To recognize what feels good and what feels negative. And when it is the latter, I have gotten far better at walking away. As I get older and my own journey takes me to unexpected places, I want to share that with people who I am connected to out of love, spirit and mutual respect. As I just turned 40 (I was wondering if I would be able to get through this blog with omitting my actual age, at last I cannot without being inauthentic) and I can feel so much change around me, I have learned to trust myself. To trust that I am moving closer to where I am supposed to be. To trust that to get there I have to let go. So 40, bring it. I dreaded you for years, but I am now ready to own it. I have far too much pride in who I am to define myself by a number anyways.