From Associate Director to Entrepreneur: Rebuilding Identity

 

Because I get asked daily from my friends and family, “How are you doing?  How is your business?”  I will share where this roller coaster of change has me at currently mindset wise. And it may not be pretty.

I am sure I have said this before about switching careers. I knew it would be hard. I knew getting a business off the ground and finding prospects and clients would not be easy. As the saying goes through, you don’t know what you don’t know. And there was a lot, mentally, that I could never have anticipated.

I have had a hard time articulating this so let’s see how it goes putting it in writing.

At my last job, my title was Associate Director. I managed a team of Business Analysts within IT. Sounds fancy right?

I never “felt” like an Associate Director. I never really put that much thought to the clout it may carry to others. If there is ever such a thing as “looking” like an Associate Director, I am fairly sure I did not even have that aspect of it. I never really thought of it as my identity. At all. It was just the title I happen to have that awarded me different opportunities and visibility. I never felt attached to the title.

Yet, leaving that title, that Associate Director thing, I realize now I did have some attachment to it. Which kind of blows my mind.

The attachment is not in the sense that it defined me. (My friends and family had no real understanding of what my job was. I was basically Chandler from Friends). Which is fine. It was a job for me, not a passion.

The attachment I am discovering I have is knowing “what” I was, I guess you can say. Again, anyone can define what an Associate Director is and it would mean something different to each of them.  Yet, it was like this tangible thing that despite not being passionate about it and despite how others may perceive it, it somehow helped me understand my place in the hierarchy and the ecosystem.

(Sanity check! Am I making sense?)

So to go from that understanding to essentially redefining myself has been challenging. As a Personal Trainer and a Lifestyle and Fitness Coach, I am not taking on something that has never been done before; if anything I am entering into a highly saturated industry.  I have to figure out what my place is in this ecosystem I have become part of that sets me apart from the rest.

And that is what has been surprising to me, how much it has shaken my confidence.  I am still figuring out how I fit into this world.  Yes, I know I am meant to be in it, and I know there is a place in it specifically for me; until I have that well established, it is going to continue to be quite humbling in this vulnerable, ambiguous transition.

So when people ask me how I am, it gets harder and harder to answer, which is the polar opposite of what I expected six months out from my corporate life. That also turns into this cycle of feeling like I should have more figured out than I do and then it brings on more insecurity. So you see, it is a total mind fuck. Excuse my French.

The other question I often get is, “How do you spend your time now?” And I become anxious whenever it is asked. Because the truth is, I do not have tangible responses to answer with. I no longer can measure productivity by the projects my team has in flight or the percentage complete of initiatives I am working on. I no longer have time sheets that I can bucket my hours into.

My “tangibles” are things like spending time researching events I could participate in or following up with prospects or maybe even the hours I do spend training and coaching. But I do not have metrics or anything to show if I am trending up or down. I have no idea if I am doing well or sucking at this new career I am in. There is no benchmark. And there is no one I report to who can tell me how I am doing.

I could compare myself to others I suppose if I did want to benchmark, but that leads to all sorts of issues. Never ever compare yourself to someone else. Never. You are not them. They are not you.

So it brings me back to this reality. All that I do, or do not do, is on me. And while that is invigorating at times, it is also downright scary as shit. It is a challenge I struggle with every day to build my confidence when there is so much unknown.

I KNOW in my heart of hearts that everything WILL fall into place. And I know the struggles are what bring success.

I realize that if I live in the negative and the fear for too long, they will become reality. I struggle with all that I have written (and more) every single day.  No matter how much I understand on an intellectual level in terms of how I need to feel or how I should act (fake it till you make it right?), It does not just magically happen, not even on my “good” days.

It comes down to this. The things that often are our biggest nemesis are issues and struggles that have been with us for years, decades even and quite possibly our entire lives. Mine as I mentioned is confidence.

Our nemesis though can also be the key to our success. I know my business is going to rely on me finding my new identity and my new place in the ecosystem, but most importantly it hinges on finding my confidence.

 

Advertisements

Calling in Good Karma: Gratitude of an Entrepreneur

Calling in Good Karma: Gratitude of an Entrepreneur

 

Foreword: As I get asked often how I am doing and where I am it in my new life, this is my current state. Warning: it is sappy.

 

The other day I received a text from my (former) cleaning lady just saying hi and that she hopes I am well. I realized that I may not have told her I had left my job (a little more info on that here)  and would be taking a break from her services, which hurts a lot. I have no shame in admitting that I loved having someone else clean my condo. I messaged her back about that and she responded that she wants to come clean for me without me paying. She was actually rather insistent and at that moment, without explanation, I started crying.

I kind of thought I was having a mini-meltdown and that I had finally lost my sanity. Like that was the moment that I was legit crazy. Why did that make me cry for fuck’s sake?

Was it that I had become a charity case?

No, I knew it was not that. I knew it was her way of saying thank you for what I had done for her over the years. I sent many friends her way that became her clients too. Also, anytime I cleaned and purged my condo (which I did dozens of times over the 7 years she cleaned for me) I gave her all of it.  I had stuff I did not need and I knew she would get it people who did. And I never thought twice about it or like it would be ill-received. Yet, when I know her gracious offer was done as a way of saying thank you, I almost refused to accept it.

And then I started thinking of all the kind things my friends and family have done for me since I left my job which resulted in more tears. I recalled all my friends who treated me to lunches, dinners and drinks when I passed the NASM Certified Personal Training exam. To my brother who flew me in on miles to see my family in December. To the friend who gave me a beautiful Christmas present as a thank you for all that I had helped her with as her mentor that year. To a friend who has an extra ticket to see The Book of Mormon who wants to take me, her treat. To my esthetician who has thrown in some complimentary services. To the owner of the CrossFit I joined asking me to write for their blog. Then to my cleaning lady’s offer. I lost it. I totally lost it.

And I realize and I know in my heart, nobody has offered or done any of these things, or the countless other things not mentioned, out of obligation or out of charity. They did it because either they are paying it back or because they just genuinely support me and want to see me succeed.

And that’s why I lost my shit.

One of the ironic things is I do not do favors or “acts of kindness” out of obligation. I consider myself highly loyal and won’t think twice about doing something for someone else. I do though to be frank, get put off whenever someone justs “expects” me to do something. If that makese sense. And I know that everyone who comes to mind as supporting me is the same. They are not doing anything thing because they feel like I expect it. They are doing it because they want to.

And that is why I keep crying when I try to wrap my brain around it. I know I am loved. And I know I am supported. There is just something about having it manifest in ways that I never dreamed of or expected. Because if there is one thing to know about me, it is this.  I have never been handed anything nor have I ever governed my life based on what I felt entitled to. I have had to work for everything I have ever had from money to relationships to my own happiness.

I have been given opportunities in my life, like jobs, that I had no real qualifications for. But I was offered them because people recognized my integrity and work ethic and I proved to them I was capable. And it is very much the same reasons why I am being given so much love right now. It is a reflection of who I am which is very humbling and extremely overwhelming.

There are certain times in life that we expect to receive things, like on birthdays. We expect to receive gifts and cards and dinners out and text messages wishing us all the best. And it is not that we take them for granted. But it is different when gifts in any form and acts of kindness happen when we do not expect them.

I have had said a million times since knowing I would be leaving the corporate world that I have been astonished at how much support I continuously receive. I have lost count of how many times people have told me I am brave or inspiring.  Every time someone tells me that or does something for me, the impact still affects me profoundly (and can be measured in tears!) And if anything, the more it happens, the more grateful and assured I become.

(Also, just a warning if you have not picked up on it yet,  basically if you do or say anything nice for/to me, you might turn me into a gushing emotional mess.)

I also know that all this love and support is validation that this whole new business venture, this new life is meant to be. It’s all going to be ok. Correction. It is going to be amazing.

 

The Beautiful Mind of a Disjointed Boss Babe

A month into my new life (which hot damn, that month has gone fast!) and I am just a big ball of emotions. All the time. How am I feeling exactly? I wish I could answer that in one or two words. I can’t though because every day, every minute brings me something different. Liberated.  Scared. In control. Not so in control. Happy. Definitely happy.  Overwhelmed. Motivated. Accountable. Grateful. Humbled. Inspired. Inspiring. Empowered.

I have moments where I feel extremely grateful without a care in the world. Like this past week when I took an impromptu trip to visit my brother and his family. Being able to be in the moment with my niece and nephews and just appreciate how lucky I am to be their aunt brought me more holiday joy than anything else possibly can. While I know it was my choice to move across country and away from my family, that does not mean it makes that distance any easier. I miss out on so many milestones and events like my nieces’ dance recitals and my nephews’ soccer games or just being able to baby sit on the fly. I got to attend my nephew’s kindergarten Christmas pageant on Friday which was the most adorable thing ever. I got to meet his teacher who told me how excited he was that he selected me to send a gingerbread boy to as part of a school project on geography. I got to just feel like I had a bigger part in his life. With my new journey, I have the freedom to do more of that which is just pure gold.

I also have moments where I get so freaked out because well studying is hard (and I have not done it in forever). I get serious butterflies when I think about having to pass an exam in another few months. What if I do not pass? Then what? What if I do pass?  I have moments where I wonder if I am focusing on the right thing at the right time. I assumed initially doing the ketone slaying thing would make the most sense because that has a more immediate sense of potential versus coaching which still feels like something far off in the distance. Something I am clearly not ready for.

Or am I? I met with a potential client (and while it has not panned out with her, it is still an experience I needed), which was way earlier on my timeline than I expected. When opportunity knocks though, you don’t tell it, “Oh my I don’t think I am ready! Can you come back in a few months?” Because let’s face it, opportunities come around for a reason. I will never be 100% ready so if I waited for that, I will miss out on so much. Anyways, I digress. I realized talking with her that yes, I have a lot to learn in the coaching business, but I actually have more to offer than I gave myself credit for. My point is, I am realizing I often short change myself instead of remembering I can do this!

Overwhelmed is another common emotion for me these days. I have so much I want to do that I feel like I am not actually doing it. Writing for example. I have always loved writing ever since I was a little girl writing quite possibly the worst short stories ever, probably (most definitely) loosely based on Sweet Valley High characters. I ignored writing for many MANY years because I really just did not know what my medium or voice is. And now, I feel like I have finally found it or at least am damn close to finding it. I have not figured out how to monetize writing, yet I have this sort of instinctual feeling that I could be on the verge of some break through with it. Or, is it just wishful thinking? (I reposted a blog yesterday that I wrote earlier in the year to a CrossFit Facebook group I am in and got almost 3,000 views. IN ONE DAY! I feel like a rock star who is being discovered. So let’s hope it is not wishful thinking!)

Pretty much at most times I am guilty of feeling like there are a million things I should be doing. Do I need to be learning more on becoming a coach? Do I proactively have to start putting together a plan? What do I need at a minimum to start? Do I need to read articles about monetizing blogging? Should I be reading books? Am I not dedicated because I took an hour a week to watch “Outlander” when I could have spent that time researching? (Who am I kidding? Jamie takes priority!)

It goes on and on and it’s overwhelming

I am definitely happy in my new venture albeit more freaked out than I think I care to admit to myself. While it is nice to be liberated and chose how and when I utilize my time, it is overwhelming. I have days where I sit down and I will literally be having 2 conversations with customers, my personal Training textbook open and Word open with 2 lines to a possible blog post. And I end up snacking. Which is a whole other conversation.

Anyways, my point is, taking on a new adventure, a new life really, is so many things. When friends and family ask how I am, it’s inevitably a minimum of a 15 minute conversation. It is quite apparent from this blog, this journey is very disjointed. Which is a good thing. Journeys are not meant to be cut and dry. Turn here, go there. Journeys are meant to be teaching moments. To challenge us. To make us question ourselves and our paths. To make us persevere. To make us appreciate what we have. This is the first time I really have had no set income which for now, is ok. I am enjoying little moments in a totally different way. I do not have this heart achy feeling of doom like I am stuck in something I do not want anymore. I can go for a leisurely lunch on a Tuesday and walk around a farmer’s market. I can sit on an outdoor patio at a local coffee shop in December (#braggingrights). I can face time with my sister and her kids at 2:00 on a Thursday without having to sneak off to a conference room for just a few minutes before rushing off to a meeting. I can workout at 9:00 or noon or really whenever I want. I can choose to fear what I do not know or I can chose to go with it and trust. Yes this journey is scary at times, but for right now, I am overall loving it.

Being on a New Journey Gives New Perspective: 8 Liberating Lessons

I thought moving across country would be the biggest change of my life, but that is peanuts compared to taking the most gigantic leap of faith ever to pursue a new career. These last few months have been full of more highs than lows. I may be a little too excited as my colleagues told me, “You are so happy, it’s actually annoying.” It all is reminding me though of how important it is to do the following to truly reach a place of change and happiness.

  1. Be honest with yourself.Know what your skills are and know when you feel like you are “faking” it. It’s cool to do that short term. I have done it, but it has left me feeling a bit like an imposter though. Like I could be an Implementation Analyst or an Associate Director but at what point are people going to realize I am not meant for these jobs?  It is not that I am incapable of them. It is just that it is not where my heart is. When those feelings became harder to ignore, that’s when you know something has to change.
  2. If something peaks your interest, no matter what it is, investigate it. It may lead you to something you want to do or it may be part of an elimination tactic. Either way, it is to your benefit to at least learn more about something before ruling it or out or pursuing it.I know I have met health coaches of different sorts over the years, and every time, something inside me lit up like oh maybe I want to do that. But of course, as you know by now, I ignored that for years. And here I am, almost two decades into my “career” that I finally feel ready to acknowledge them.
  1. We worry so much about going into financial debt to pursue a dream that instead we go into emotional debt. (C­­heesy I know but stay with me here). We fear the financial and believe me, I COMPLETELY understand that.  We stay at a job or a career because the thought of either spending money on more schooling (or to get a business going) or taking a pay cut stresses us out more than the possibility of what we could have. We keep our cushy job or paycheck, but slowly, our mental state and happiness deteriorates. We check in each day to a job physically, but mentally we are checked out. It just is not sustainable. At some point, when we are ready, the fear of the unknown actually becomes enticing and freeing. Honor that.

    4.You are never going to be 100% ready to make a transition
    . I am certain if I waited for that to happen, I would never be able to leave my current job or company. The decision to leave may be the hardest pill to swallow, but once that decision has been made, it is liberating. You actually can devote 100% of your time and efforts to pursuing what your heart desires.5. We are greeted with opportunities that seem to make no sense or do not fit in to what our “plan is” yet they seem like they are meant for us to take. It is often hard to accept these opportunities and for many of us, we don’t. We have no idea what we are missing out on. When I joined Pruvit, it did not make any “sense” to me rationally at all at the time, but emotionally or mentally, I knew it was something I should be doing. I had no experience doing any kind of community based marketing nor did I even think I would be any good at it. Yet, I just felt a strong attraction to it. And so when I decided to pursue it, despite how challenging it has been, I have not doubted that it is part of my journey.And really, what “plan” did I have that even made sense anymore? I was at a point in my career where I maybe could have stayed at it and been successful, but then again, to my 1st point earlier, how long would I really be able to fake it and sustain it?

    So yeah, signing up to be an Independent Promoter on the outside seemed ridiculous or crazy, but in actuality it has been another one of my best decisions ever. It is guiding me to my ultimate destiny of coaching.

    6. When it comes to who you surround yourself with, know there is a difference between those who want to help you and those who want to sabotage you.


    I realize that may sound extreme so let me explain. I do not mean that people will deliberately try to kill your spark or idea. I just mean that people often react based on their own fears. Many people come from a place of practicality where your plan seems outrageous (and nothing they would ever do). So they may advise you against it or give you all the reasons why you should not pursue your plan.

    Versus people who believe in you and your talents and your dreams and they whole heartedly support you. They want you to find that passion and happiness. Many of them have walked in your shoes before and will even advise you on how to prepare for your journey. I have gotten far more of this type of reaction than the former, fortunately.

    You want to find the people who give you reasons and guidance to follow your dreams and not those who will find every argument for why you should not. (Maybe this is what all the kids mean by finding your tribe).

  1. No matter what job we have, we learn transferable skills. They may show themselves in different forms or different scenarios, but the skills are the same. Learning how to communicate whether it is with peers or subordinates, those are the same skills you need for clients or customers or patients. Time management, project management, analysis, coaching. They are all transferrable.
  2. If you are passionate about something, TALK ABOUT IT. I feel like ever since it has been announced that I will be leaving my job, I have had more conversations about my passion and business ideas than ever before. I used to always worry that if I talked too much about it, I would put my job at jeopardy. People would see me light up and realize that was missing when I talked about work. And there is truth in that, but the reality is, people can still do a job and have interests elsewhere. The point is though, we should be proud of the many facets we have. Our jobs do not always define us so we do not need to downplay our interests.The unexpected thing is, I actually feel more bonded to many people than I did before because it’s like I am being far more authentic. People are learning more about me and likewise, I am learning about them. How many times do we get on calls or join meetings with people and we know virtually nothing about them? We do not know that a woman is a 17 year cancer survivor. Or that another woman started a walking club in the basement of an office which lead to one of its members losing 100 lbs.

 

For me, realizing all these important lessons over the last few months has been the validation I have needed. It is so easy to get comfortable or just content in life. And maybe that is ok. Maybe for some that is enough. For me though, it no longer is. I am grateful for everything that has led me to this moment as it has given me such new perspective, and I am humbled to be able to share that with you.

 

Respecting Your Money When You Hustle

I have a new found appreciation for money.  Walking away from a corporate job means walking away from a good salary and bonuses. So naturally it has me a tad freaked. Not because I fear not making money ever again, but more from just leaving what I know in terms of getting a set paycheck every 2 weeks for the unknown. Since I am on a path of not fixating on what is scary, I chose to look at this as a great opportunity for me to really reevaluate how I spend my hard earned money. I admittedly buy things (a lot of things) when I want to without being on a strict budget, but this is not a habit I want to carry with me. Knowing that my income is going to be based on how hard I hustle, I am not taking any of it for granted.

Case and point. I am probably the only person you know that has a land line. Why you ask? For whatever reason, the condo community that I live in requires a local area code to have the gates hooked up to a phone so that residents can buzz guests in. (Seems antiquated but there you have it). I thought I was paying about $20 a month which had me thinking, I probably buzz people in about a dozen times a month. That’s like $1.50 a visitor. Which is lame.  Totally lame. I discovered by asking my condo association that google voice would work. Oh and that is FREE. When I called my phone carrier to disconnect, it turns out I am not paying $20. I actually pay $49 (which is more like $4 a buzz). Who is the biggest sucker? ME! And it is my own fault. I clearly do not pay attention to my bills on auto pay, and I am quite annoyed with myself for wasting that much money for the last few years for no good reason. Needless to say, I cancelled my old school land line and now have google voice up and running. I can buzz my guests in from my mobile phone, and I no longer need to consider charging them a cover to get in.

Wait, there’s more!

Take skin care. I pay A LOT for that (probably about $250 for a 2 month supply). I have realized that I have been buying that stuff for over a year and I do love it. But I also am fortunate that I am benefiting from ketones helping my skin. That is 100% true and I do not mean that to be a sales pitch (well ok maybe a little. #shamelessplug). I know we only get one face and I definitely want to swim in the fountain of youth for as long as I possibly can, but I am convinced I can do it on less money.

This next example, as funny as it is, is actually haunting me. Up until a few weeks ago, I had been getting a gel manicure and pedicure about every 2 weeks. I skipped the mani the last time I went simply because my nails have gone to shit. So anyways, having my nails just completely natural, it had me realizing, I will survive without glitter and designs on them. I know this will cause heartache for my friend, Cari, who looks forward to those Instagram posts of my nails but at last, something has to give. I calculated how much I spend on beautiful, glamorous, sparkly nails (ok yeah I am having some separation anxiety). Be warned: This info is not for the faint hearted. It comes out to be about $170 a month which equals $2000 PER YEAR. I have never felt so vain as when I came to that epiphany. That is money I could have taken quite a few trips with. Or money I could have put towards my mortgage. Or money I simply could have just put into savings. I mean seriously. Done and done.

I am definitely going to miss my job perk of having free DIRECTV. I do not see myself paying for traditional cable because not only can my money be better spent, but my time as well. I have so much to do to get my business going that I will be in serious trouble if I am glued to the boob tube all day long. (Although I cannot under any circumstances not watch Outlander every week. I will probably pay for the STARZ app because hello? Jamie would miss me too much).

Don’t get me wrong. There are extravagances I do not see myself giving up, like my car. I am a total sucker for Lexus. Not just because they are so pretty but because they are seriously way smarter than I am. I have grown accustomed to the comforts and luxuries of them, and for now, I can justify the expense.

All these examples in my financial evaluation I am doing is a reminder for me to take better inventory on my money and where it is going. Priorities change and I should be adjusting my spending to tailor to it as needed. I still intend to go to CrossFit and buy ketones because those are the foundation for me to stay healthy and happy. I probably on the other hand do not need to go to Lorna Jane every month or so for new workout gear.  It is important to find realistic compromises. I will be so bold to say that it is possible perhaps you may want or need to take stock of your own situation to see if you have any reckless spending patterns like I do.

My biggest lesson though is realizing that yes, it is absolutely wonderful to have financial freedom, but I have taken advantage of it.  I am certain I can give up fancy manicures and top of the line skin care without sacrificing the quality of my life. I am certain that I will survive if I do not catch all my television shows in real time. I am certain that life in itself is going to keep me busy and fulfilled that I will not miss what I am “giving up”.

Sometimes You Just Need a Kick in the Butt From the Universe

I have been waiting a long time to write this. Actually, I have been waiting a long time to post this. I have been writing this far before I even knew this post would be a thing. Because I have been manifesting for this to happen. I have been 100% believing that it would. I just did not know when. Or how.

I am leaving my corporate job.

 

Microphone drop.

 

I have put it out there that I want to leave and have been mentally getting myself ready to do that. So getting the push to go has not been scary for me. It’s been liberating. I have known I would leave, I just did not know when or how. When I got the news I am part of a surplus, I felt gratitude and relief. It is so easy (and if we are honest with ourselves, how many of us are feeling this way?) to stay complacent and not act. Because to act is to go into the unknown. It’s to go into something that is seemingly less stable or unpredictable (but let’s be real, how many corporate jobs are truly secure anymore?). I have been dipping my toes in other ponds for a while and now the universe is giving me the push to GO ALL IN.

 

While I have been remarkably and surprisingly cool, calm and collected, when I really think about what I am giving up, I have moments of “what the F am I doing?” My entire career all my job choices have been made on two very basic things: stability and money. I was taught at an early age to never be without them so as soon as they were in my control (aka I started adulting), I made decisions based on that.

 

Yet, every time in my life I have accepted a new job, I always had this knowing feeling it was not right for me. I of course pushed those feelings down as far as I possibly could. Today though, I am at the point in my life where I simply choose to no longer ignore that. It will not serve me going forward.

 

I am a firm believer in timing. I should say that this life changing decision was not one I made on a whim or on a feeling. It has been years in the making. With the help of my spiritual healer, she has taught me to trust in myself, my abilities and the universe. To trust that I would be guided at the right time to make changes, and that until then I need not worry about it or proactively seek out whatever it is I am meant to do. I have spent years working on myself and overcoming my own demons and roadblocks. I have also manifested the shit out of good things to come my way because I have known in my heart of hearts that I was playing a role in my job that was not something I wanted or could sustain.

 

And so the day has come that I am going to start my transition into a new world. A new world of opportunity of positivity and validation. A new world of doing something that I know will have an impact on many people. I am finally being true to who I am and who I want to be. I have finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up!

 

For decades I have had so much passion for health and fitness. I am one of those people that actually freaking loves to workout (I know, weird huh?) I absolutely love talking about working out and I can’t really understand those people who do not love it. One of the great things about being an Independent Promoter for Pruvit is that it has forced me to broaden my network. Conversations I am having, regardless if people are interested in ketones or not, have lead to being inspired over and over again. There is no shortage of inspiration in this world when you take the time to hear other people’s stories.

 

I feel like ketones are my gateway drug to so to speak. It has given me a taste of that euphoria of helping someone feel all the feels. It has given me a taste of what it would be like to really listen to someone and understand what it is they need, or what they are missing. I am also starting to realize and understand that while I have that drive and grit to workout and to not shy away from it, not everyone does. There are endless valid reasons why people fear it. Or maybe they want it but they do not know where to start. Maybe they feel like a fish out of water at a gym, which I get because I am completely uncomfortable when I step into a Home Depot. And it’s like everyone there KNOWS I do not belong. And so I quickly find what I need (by find, I mean I have to have someone direct me) and then I get the hell out as fast as I possibly can. That’s how people feel about working out I believe if they have any kind of hang up or roadblock.

 

Or maybe someone wants to workout but they are overwhelmed by choices or they do not know what type of workout suits them. So instead of trying them out, they may not do a thing. Which by doing nothing is really doing something. We have choices and there are so many options out there. I want to be that person that helps someone find what they like so that they can make their dreams and goals a reality.

 

I want to help people stay accountable and be that extra support they need to become healthy and fit.

I want to do this because I know how amazing someone can feel if they take action. It is common and very easy to talk about wanting something, but never do it. Then as soon as you do, and you start seeing results, you ask WHY did I wait this long?
Between what I see myself doing and the skills I am fortunate to have learned over my current career are all lining up to make me kick ass at my dreams. I wish I knew what my “job title” is, but that will come as I work more on the business and marketing side of my journey. (Which p.s. I do not see myself being called a health coach. So for all you marketing geniuses, I am open for suggestions as to how to brand myself).

 

I always thought I would transition into a new career when I had every last detail sorted out and not a second sooner, but I am realizing I don’t need that to go all in. In fact, over just these last 3 days of talking to my colleagues about leaving, I am getting even more validation and support that I ever anticipated. I keep waiting for someone to tell me I am crazy or stupid or reckless. But guess what? Nobody has said that. It’s validation that because I am SCREAMING into the universe that I am more than ready to trust it, and that is what I am getting back. Nobody is trying to talk me out of it because it is meant for me to be taking the biggest leap of faith ever. Being open and honest not just with myself but with those I work with, interact with, friends, family, hairdresser, you name it is opening me up even more for what is in my power to have. The universe gives back what we give to it, and that is why I am more than confident in knowing I am making the right choice, the best choice, for myself.

Bathroom Selfies: Trouble or Truth?

A few Saturday mornings ago, I was getting ready to workout. I had on pajama bottoms that are probably 5 sleeps away from completely disintegrating, paired with a sports bra. I was not exactly a vision. Anyways, I was walking around my condo doing who knows what (I get easily distracted) when I sauntered past a mirror. Mind you, I do not typically stroll around in just a bra because well, it’s just not my thing. ANYWAYS, I caught a glimpse of my stomach. Well really I caught a glimpse of what I thought might actually be abs.  I had to rub my eyes a few times to make sure I was not dreaming. I obviously had to strike a few different poses and angles to confirm it was not just a figment of my imagination.  I also went into my bathroom to check in that mirror. I turned on and off every combination of lights from my bathroom to the hallway to my bedroom. Ok so at this point of reading, you are thinking, “Missy, you are psycho”. Yes, yes I am. And that is the point of this story.

The psychosis continued. I messaged two of my friends that I knew would tell me if there were really indeed traces of abdominal muscles showing or if it was a figment of my imagination. I expected them to confirm the latter, but much to my dismay, they did not. They told me something like “Missy, you look amazing! And you need to get your head checked. You have total body dysmorphia.”

I share this little story because I know I am not the only one with thoughts like this. I know I am not the only one even at my age who still struggles with body image insecurities. I also know that like many of you, for every moment of confidence I have, I have exponentially more moments of self-doubt.

At this point, I could go in a few directions with this (much like the book series I grew up with, Choose Your Own Adventure). I could write about how we are our own worst critics and give a few tips for how we perhaps can start to change our thinking, but that is not really the main point that is percolating in my brain.(Nor do  I truly know how to do that because surely if I did, I would not even be writing this post today). If you are like me, our insecurities are years in the making.  I am not arrogant enough to think my post will make any of us, including myself, think otherwise.  Or perhaps I could write about how we as a society have unrealistic expectations, but that’s been done time and time again.  I would not do it justice.

Truth be told, I have edited this post about 5 times because I keep vacillating on what is I really want to articulate. I have pinpointed what I essentially want to tell myself and anyone else reading this who also finds themselves obsessing about what they think is imperfect about themselves:  Let’s cut ourselves some slack. We will always have goals or some formed idea of what we think perfect is that we continuously work towards, possibly never to actually be achieved (not because of pessimism, but because we must admit we often set unrealistic goals). Because the thing is, there is no perfect. We can spend our whole lives feeling like we do not measure up, and it becomes like any other negative thought we have. We start thinking it and putting it out there. We keep seeing flaws and ignore everything else. Instead, we need to focus on the positive and freakin compliment ourselves for when we notice something that makes us go, “Well damn, that is impressive.”

Yes, absolutely, I want a 6 pack or even just to have a flat tummy. I also workout like a boss and I do stuff that blows my own mind. Maybe my abs are not where I want them to be, but what about those traps?  Or biceps? Or whatever it is.  My body does reflect the work I put into it if I would just take a minute to acknowledge it and appreciate it.

I know that despite a few bad ass bathroom selfies I am not going to poof, become totally in love with my body. Nor do I expect you to overcome whatever your insecurities are from one little ole blog post. But I do think though that what I learned from those pics is that I spend a lot of time zooming into pictures and honing in on everything and anything I do not like (and I know a lot of you do the same…  It’s ok to admit it, I just did!)  We are not going to change overnight what could be years, decades even, of negative thoughts, but I sure do not want to feel like they are ruling my life. I do not want to be consumed by the negative. I should not need anyone else either to validate how I look (as I did in sending my abs photo to friends). If I see it, I should own it. So should you. End of story.

 

­­­

 

­­­­